4 steps to a more connected conversation with your partner.

There are many strategies I have learned over the years about safety, healthy communication, and vulnerability within a partnership. I believe that feeling safe and seen in your relationships is the only way you can experience true joy with your partner.

There are 4 steps that allow couples to communicate safely inside my coaching practice that also can help them outside the walls of our meetings too. It is called "The safe conversation structure".

If you find that you are struggling to connect with your partner or are always fighting. This 4 step tool may help you.

Step 1: Ask your partner "Is now a good time to have a conversation about XYZ?".

Asking your partner "when" is important because you want your partner to be ready to discuss whatever topic you are asking them about. If they are not ready or in a mental place to discuss that particular topic, they have the opportunity to say "no" and offer up a better time to discuss it.

This step may sound something like this:

• Partner 1 - "Is now a good time to have a conversation about our vacation plans next week?"

• Partner 2 - No, I just got off work and I need to relax and eat something. Let's talk about this once the kids go to bed later tonight.

• Partner 1 - Great, that time works for me too.

Asking "if now is a good time to have a conversation" is super important because everyone has their own stuff going on. You want your partner to be aware and ready to discuss the topic you want to discuss.

It's like if you and your partner are watching different movies. You wouldn't want to just tell your partner to watch your movie if they were in the middle of their own movie. You would ask them to watch your movie when they were done. Does this make sense?

Step 2: Mirroring what your partner is saying back to them

As your partner speaks, listen with interest to their words. When they are done talking mirror back what your partner said. Say "If heard you correctly you said this". After you repeat what they said, ask them "Did I get it?".

They can either say "yes" or "no" and tell you again what they said. Repeat the pattern above again until your partner says "Yes, that's it, you got it correct."

Step 2 may sound something like this:

• Partner 1 - "I really wanted to talk about having some alone time with just us on this vacation."

• Partner 2 - "If I heard you correctly you want to talk about making sure you and I have alone time on our vacation. Did I get it?"

• Partner 1 - "Yes"

After you get a "YES" you can move on to the next thing to ask your partner. Maybe the most important part to this who conversation. This part is what makes your partner feel safe, lower defenses and your both get an opportunity to learn about each other and grow.

The POWER QUESTION to ask is: "Is there more about that?"

• Partner 2 - "Is there more about that?" (super important to also listen with interest!!!)

• Partner 1 - (Has to think deeper as to why they want that) "Yes, ever since we had kids I have felt lonely and disconnected with you. I want to have more time to discuss our life and future."

• Partner 2 - (Will mirror that back and ask again) "Is there more about that?" Until their partner is done.

The power question, "Is there more about that?", opens a whole other level for vulnerability, communication and learning of your partner. Your partner will also have an opportunity to learn more about themselves when you ask the power question. It will make them more relaxed and bring defenses down. Everyone will learn something new by asking "Is there more about that?"

Step 3: Validate that what your partner is saying makes sense.

No matter what you think about what your partner has said. It is true to them. When you validate someone it means you are validating THEM. You are saying to them they have logic behind what they are saying and live in a logical world.

You do not have to fix or change their feelings or thoughts. You don't even have to believe in what they are saying. You just have to validate that everything they say makes sense based on their own feelings and beliefs.

Step 3 may sound something like this:

Partner 2 - "It makes sense that you want to connect more with each other on our vacation seeing that you have been feeling lonely and disconnected. It can be hard to see where the future is going if you feel disconnected. That makes a lot of sense."

After you validate that your partner makes sense in a logical world. Your partner feels more connected and seen. Which is what everyone is trying to do. We are all just dyeing to tell our partners who we are and be validated.

Step 4 - Having empathy for your partner

This step is to put yourself in their shoes. feel what they must be feeling and open yourself up to see things through their lens of reality.

Sometimes these conversations lead to a solution. But more often than not JUST HAVING THE SAFE CONVERSATION and the open dialog ends up being THE SOLUTION.

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If you are struggling with relationship communication you are not alone. This is not something we are taught and is a practice like all emotional wellness tools.

These steps may seem robotic at first, however, after practice with your partner it will become second nature to have "Safe Conversation Structures" in all your conversations over time.

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