I had a miscarriage: Part 2

My last post about miscarriage was extremely difficult for me. I felt anxiety, sadness and a desire to be vulnerable so I could show up authentic in my life. But it was hard.

Today as I post the next part of my miscarriage journey, I am feeling empowered. I am feeling empowered because after that post so many of you have reached out with your own personal stories of loss and heartbreak. But even more surprising you reached out with your stories of resilience and strength. Thank you for sharing your stories.

This silent loss you carry may have been the way to deal with miscarriage in the 50's. But today this loss is powerful. It exemplifies the magnitude of strength that women possess. And this old idea that "you should feel ashamed" is horse shit. It is the exact opposite.

1 in 4 woman have miscarriages. Doctors have studied miscarriage for decades and have come up with NO reason why. Unless there is a genetic disorder (which still isn't your fault) there is no reason for why people have miscarriages. It is natural.

You are strong because you are resilient. You are strong because you carried human life inside you. You are also entitled to grieve the loss and let others know there in-fact was a loss in the first place.

That brings me to my story. (Disclaimer: parts of this story are graphic)

I took a pill. On that Saturday after I lost my baby, I took a pill that would start the process of the miscarriage. My mother was with me as I cried and swallowed it down. Not knowing what to expect I went on as usual. A few hours later I felt cramping and knew it was starting.

Over the course of that night and into the next day my bathroom looked like a horror movie. I was using Novas size 4 diapers to catch the flesh-like pieces that were discharging from my body. Every time I sat on the toilet I was terrified that I would see my baby at the bottom of the bowl. But I had to look. Every time. I had to know.

After Sunday I started bleeding less and started to heal emotionally. When Friday rolled around I decided to go to the local health-food store. I walked around the store in a blur, but it felt good to get out and be in the world again. As I filled my cart, I felt this sudden burst. Blood gushed out of my body like I had opened a water spicket. I ran out of the store like a shot, leaving my full shopping cart in the middle of the isle. I jumped in my car, lining the seat with anything I could find in the back and rushed home. When I got home I immediately jumped in the shower. That was when it all began...

...to be continued.